


i'm not blind anymore (i'm wide awake)

by ShanleenKinnJaskey



Series: Coming Back As We Are [9]
Category: Glee
Genre: AU of an AU, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Blangst, Depression, I wish that was an actual tag then I wouldn't feel pretentious, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Reconciliation, Self Confidence Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-16
Updated: 2015-11-16
Packaged: 2018-04-27 09:30:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5043040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShanleenKinnJaskey/pseuds/ShanleenKinnJaskey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"If you're going to leave me again, Blaine," Kurt cries out behind Blaine as he puts a hand on the doorknob. Blaine can hear the frustration in his tone, the demanding edge to his plea, "Then at least tell me why. Tell me why you hate me so much now!" Blaine freezes at Kurt's words, his tone softening as his voice cracks, and Blaine knows Kurt's voice well enough to know that he's crying. "What did I do, Blaine? Why won't you meet my eyes, or let me hold you, or even talk to me anymore? Did I make you angry, or am I..." Here his voice broke completely, becoming almost a whisper, "...Just not good enough?"</p><p>Blaine's healed after the attack and he's about to leave the Hummel-Hudsons. Everyone else thinks there's no way to convince him otherwise, but Kurt's not ready to give up just yet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i'm not blind anymore (i'm wide awake)

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from "Wide Awake" by Katy Perry.  
> Meh, I'm not sure about this. I like it, and I'm not sure if I prefer the one that actually happens in my 'verse or not. I found this buried on my computer and thought to give it to you guys while I work on the last chapter of 'everything i gave you'.  
> Written before the flashback scene and featuring angry!angsty!Blaine as opposed to broken!subdued!Blaine.  
> Hope you like it!

_"I'm wide awake_

_Yeah, I was in the dark_

_I was falling hard_

_With an open heart..._

_And now it's clear to me_

_That everything you see_

_Ain't always what it seems..."_

_-Katy Perry,_ Wide Awake

 

"If you're going to leave me again, Blaine," Kurt cries out behind Blaine as he puts a hand on the doorknob. Blaine can hear the frustration in his tone, the demanding edge to his pleas, "Then at least tell me why. Tell me why you hate me so much now!" Blaine freezes at Kurt's words, listening as Kurt's tone softening as his voice cracks. Blaine knows Kurt's voice well enough to know that he's crying. "What did I do, Blaine? Why won't you meet my eyes, or let me hold you, or even talk to me anymore? Did I make you angry, or am I..." Here his voice breaks completely, becoming almost a whisper, "...Just not good enough?"

And Blaine can't take it anymore because Kurt can't be farther from the truth as even if Kurt isn't as perfect as he'd once believed he's still the strongest man Blaine's ever met and the only man he's ever loved. He turns around and walks a few steps forward. He grabs Kurt's arm, pulling him towards him, and their lips meet in a desperate kiss. Blaine can taste the salt of Kurt's tears on his lips. He can also feel Kurt's arms curling around his torso as they always do, but in a startling reversal of roles Kurt's head dips, breaking off the kiss, and instead of touching foreheads his face falls to Blaine's shoulder as he starts sobbing unashamedly as he clutches at Blaine's shirt, great shudders wracking his body and his tears soaking the shoulder of Blaine's (well, actually, Kurt's) sweatshirt. It's never been like this before- it's always been Blaine who curled into Kurt's shoulder, as he's taller, or curling up on the sofa or bed or ground together as equals. It's never Kurt seeking a place to cry, and to see him let this all out makes Blaine want to _die_.

"I...I thought I'd lost you," Kurt chokes out, still sobbing into Blaine's shoulder, "I thought you were _gone_. That phone call terrified me- I thought...Well, I thought...you were dead. I thought I'd never see you again, never hear your voice, and it killed me."

He never wanted to break Kurt like this- rather, the whole plan was to leave a couple of shallow cracks that could be filled in and patched up by some other guy. Instead, he watches helplessly as Kurt falls and shatters in front of him like a porcelain doll that has been thrown to the ground by an angry child.

And that child was _him_.

Seeing Kurt like this, sobbing and brokenhearted and shattered makes Blaine feel ashamed of himself. How could he have done this? How could he have hurt the one person he loves more than anything else in the world? It hits Blaine that he's been incredibly selfish. He's never been the kind of guy who liked taking risks. Falling in love with Kurt had scared him, and then letting go had terrified him beyond belief. All throughout junior year he'd been scared that he wasn't good enough, that Kurt would go to New York and forget about him and choose some guy over him. He'd been so scared, in fact, that he'd terrified himself so bad by what he saw was inevitable that he'd forced himself into believing that it would actually be _better_  if Kurt fell in love with someone else. Now, he's realizing that it was never his job to decide that for Kurt. "Never," he says softly, and suddenly he's crying too for the first time since before the attack, "I could never hate you, Kurt. I...I was scared. I was terrified of you leaving me behind, and I let that fear get to me. I convinced myself that you deserved better than me. I made such a huge mistake, Kurt, I'm so sorry," He sobs, "I'm so, so sorry, and you'll never understand how much."

"I think I could guess; after all, I made just as big a mistake letting you go," Kurt whispers, and Blaine notices that he's stopped crying. Tear tracks decorate his face as he leans back a little, just enough to look Blaine in the eyes, but keeps his arms wrapped behind Blaine's neck. Despite everything the brace of Kurt's arms against him is like a support, catching him from falling over the edge. "Why were you scared, Blaine? What did I do that made you think that I would abandon you like that?"

"N-Not you," Blaine says, stammering a little. He resists the nearly overwhelming urge to drop his eyes away from Kurt, instead being brave and looking him straight in the eye. " _Never you_ , I swear. My parents- they have said a lot of things, _honest_ things, I thought- and I let it get to me-"

"What did they say?" Kurt asks, tone a little hesitant. 

The words won't come. They're trapped in Blaine's throat and he can't release them. How does he quantify years of words that still feel like the truth even if doubt is starting to try and convince him of the opposite. Kurt looks at him, eyes full of trust. "You can tell me anything," Kurt says, and three words thrust Blaine back to junior year when Kurt had noticed that there was something going on wrong with him and had trusted Blaine to trust him with it.

Blaine takes a deep breath, and then speaks, voice broken. "It began fully when Cooper moved out..." He begins, and starts to tell Kurt everything.

**Author's Note:**

> Tell me which version of the confession you guys liked better- the one with the flashbacks or angry!angsty!Blaine.


End file.
